The biggest illusion is that we have any privacy online. It’s bunk. So is New York Sen. Richard L. Brodsky’s privacy bill, if it passes.

What is it with Washington bureaucrats that they fundamentally cannot understand the internet? Are we seriously stuck with: “The internet is a series of tubes?” — I just love citing that.

This time it’s another group of luddites in Congress on a crusade. You see, privacy is such a wonderful issue for “idiotarians” to jump on the bandwagon with. It’s easy fodder. You’ll never get consumers screaming for companies to gather more information about them and use it to target ads at them. “Oh, yes, please, can I have more personal data gathered about me? I’d like another ad please. That would be scrumptious!”

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the dangers of online social networks and what you reveal to the world. I am not against data gathering by companies, but we should all be more cognizant of what we put out there. The crucial point in all of this is that although consumers will never ask for more ads, what they will do is respond to advertising that is relevant to them, that speaks to their consumer needs. “Wow, I am running more, it was good to find out about that new shoe and that race coming up that I can enter locally.” That’s never something that someone would say out loud, but that internal voice we all have constantly pings all day, every day, with the advertising we consume. Consumers value, subconsciously, that we have that data when it benefits them. The problem is that even though it benefits them, they don’t really want to know what we used to deliver it. They just assume it was happenstance. Well, how did that ad really speak to that consumer’s need state? Yes, yes, simple answer: behavioral targeting.

A bill is currently in the New York State Assembly presented by Sen. Richard L. Brodsky (Dem.), (alas, sometimes I really hate my own party,) that would essentially require a user to give explicit permission before companies could link the anonymous surfing data to their name, address or phone number.

(The bill would essentially make it a crime for certain internet companies to use personal information about consumers without their consent.)

Wow, that’s just great, Senator. Are you really that stupid? Uh, yeah, people are going to flock to do that. Since when did this country become a bunch of choice-less lemmings? “The television program is offensive.” Well, then change the channel, you moron. You don’t even have to get your fat, lazy butt out of your Lazy Boy. Just press the button! Someone can’t opt-out? Oh no, the consumer is not bright enough to do that. Yes, let’s assume everyone in society is an idiot — that really helps the situation. Let’s coddle, control, and regulate our way to happiness, while the lumps of flesh watching the pict-o-cube sit there consuming in ignorant bliss.

The biggest illusion is that we have any privacy online. It’s a myth. It’s like the myth of airline safety and the fact that the security procedure makes us strip down before we board the plane, regardless of the fact that 90 percent of the cargo on that plane has never been checked. The illusion of security makes us feel better, and that is exactly what a bill like this would do, make us feel better. It will make us feel like we have control over our online data. But the only control we have is over what we do online.

Online search companies are providing a service — a damn cool service, I might add — and one that is FREE for the consumer. Hmmm… think about that. You are getting something for free and then trying to tell the company that is providing that service not to track you. Wow, that’s a great business model. I give you something for free, something that costs an enormous amount of money and a lot of brain power to provide, and we are just supposed to sit back and let you look around our entire store and do nothing?

If you don’t want to be tracked, don’t come in the door. It’s your choice. My company even gives you that choice to surf anonymously, so that we don’t track your searches. Just click a button on the homepage. And that is my point. It’s your choice what you put online, and it’s your choice if you are concerned about privacy to seek out solutions that protect you, the consumer.

A lot of people feel this anonymity because they are in the confines of their own homes. It’s the kind of anonymity that lets the side of ourselves we do not tend to show society out. It’s more alternative, subversive, dark, kinky, and to be honest, fun. Just imagine, however, that there is your mom looking over your shoulder the entire time you are surfing. Yes, it’s all being tracked somewhere, but the sad thing is that it really is not being used for evil. These companies are just trying to provide consumers with ads that are actually more relevant to them. The web runs on advertising, limit it at our peril. If search engines didn’t have an auction bid model for keywords that made sure the landing page was relevant to the paid ad, then you wouldn’t get any ads that were targeted. But they do. If you search for something kinky, guess what? A text ad may be delivered that just may be relevant to your search. That’s fine, you just don’t want your name attached to it, I understand.

For some reason in the offline world, it seems completely acceptable to data-mine to your heart’s content. Why do you think grocery stores give you discounts for using a simple card? Because they so value you as a customer and they are just being nice? Are you really that naive? That information with your purchase habits is immediately tied to your name and your address. Are you single and do you buy booze, condoms and cigarettes? Guess what? Don’t be surprised if you start getting some fun, hip catalogs in the mail. But that is not where the danger is; the danger is that some health insurance company buys a grocery chain and then starts to adjust insurance rates based on your lifestyle. Think about that the next time you throw your grocery card down for that carton of cigarettes and the three liter bottle of vodka. That is scary, and a much more probable scenario than all the scare tactics about online privacy and behavioral targeting.

Look, online privacy is a good thing, and if Congress does pass legislation, then at least it will make it a level playing field for everyone. But don’t be surprised if all of a sudden those banner ads and other forms of advertising online start to become a little less relevant and a lot more annoying.

ranty rant signing off…